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Not So Great Expectations

What kind of a world do we live in where someone would steal Santa’s pants?  Even the naughty list is too good for a bum like that.  I think we need to invent a whole new category called the “Don’t Mess With Santa” list.  Forget the lump of coal.  At this point Santa should just show up at the guilty party’s house and confiscate home electronics. 

But I’m getting ahead of myself here.

Christmas Inside the Box

When my cousin Ted was a kid, he really wanted an Atari for Christmas, but instead his dad wrapped up a box of bricks.  Ted was sure he knew what was inside, but when he tore into it, he discovered nothing but bricks and crumpled up newspaper.  After he’d cried for a couple of hours, they brought out the Atari, played some Pac Man, and all was forgiven.  

You can divide the way people wrap presents into two different camps.  You have the traditionalists who wrap everything in the original package it came in.  Then you have the sneaky, underhanded types, who love to put gifts inside other boxes just so you won’t guess what it is.   You also have gift-baggers and gift-carders, who will not even be included in this discussion, because, c’mon, everyone knows what’s in their presents. 

Boxes.  Mystery.  Surprises.  That’s the magical lure of Christmas presents, right?   It’s all about answering the question, “What’s in the box?”

The Shape of Christmas

My mom makes the best Christmas cookies on the planet. Nothing fancy, just straight up sugar cookies with vanilla frosting, but they are amazing. Every year since I was a kid, we would plan a special day to make a huge batch of cookies for our entire family, that is, of course, unless we ate them all first. We call it Cookie Day, and it’s one of the best days of the year. For the past five years, my oldest daughter Emma has been in on the action too, but last year, she gave us a gift that put the day in a whole new light.

No Room In the Inn

Most people wouldn't go to the beach during a hurricane, but I'm from Indiana.  What do I know about hurricanes?  My wife and I were on our way home from Disney about five years ago when we decided to make a detour and check out the beach in Destin.  We'd had friends who had vacationed there for years and were always raving about it.   So, we thought while we were in Florida we might as well stop by for a couple of days. 

Yes, the Weather Channel had been droning on all week about some tropical storm down in the Caribbean.  And yes, they had just upgraded it to a hurricane.  And yes, it was supposed to hit the Gulf coast.  But c'mon, it was like three days away.  Surely we could get in a little fun in the sun, right?   

Up On the Rooftop

I don’t care if it was two weeks before Christmas, no one wants some lunatic stomping on their roof in the middle of the night.  No one except kids, I guess.  But there were no kids where I lived at the time.  I shared a house with seven other guys in college, and sure, we’d had drunken strangers pass out on our porch before, but we’d never had anyone actually on top of the house. 

The Waiting Game

I’m standing in line at Toys R Us as I write this.   Trust me, I’ve got the time.  It’s the Saturday before Thanksgiving, and apparently they’re giving away free money or something because every person in central Kentucky is in line in front of me.   I’ve never seen this many people in the store at one time.   My wife is doing the math and telling me how I messed up and picked the wrong line.  Every line, of course, is moving faster than ours.

It reminds me of how much of Christmas involves waiting.  Every time my daughter asks me how long until Christmas, no matter what I say, she always answers with, “that’s too long!”  We actually have two advent calendars just to give us something to do while we wait.   

Two Black Fridays

Two Black Fridays
Fridays after a feast
One, frivolous
The other, grim
2,000 years apart

The Friday after Thanksgiving
When shoppers flood the malls
The day when store ledgers shift
From red to black
From debt to abundance
A shortfall erased
In a single day

The Friday after the

A Thanksgiving Mascot That Rocks!

Forget the pilgrims.  Forget the turkeys.  I'm nominating a new Thankgiving mascot.  The Good Samaritan!  No, not that guy.  The other good Samaritan.  You, know, the thankful one?  Hello? 

Oh c'mon, don't tell me you've never heard of the other Good Samaritan.  Why does that first guy get all the good press?  Just because he gave some poor sucker a donkey ride to the ER?  Forget that joker.  Let's talk about the real Good Samaritan, the guy who should become the new Grand Marshal of the Macy's parade. 

Thanksgiving 365

When my wife and I first got married, I had this wild, romantic notion to keep a secret thankfulness journal for her.  Yeah, I know it sounds dumb, but I was young and in love.   So, sue me.  Here’s how it was supposed to work.  Every day for a year I planned to write down one thing I loved about her.  Then I would surprise her the next Christmas with a year’s worth of appreciation.  I imagined when she opened it she would swoon and then cook me a really nice dinner.  Women love that kind of stuff, right?   

The Thanksgiving Rip-Off

I used to think Abraham Lincoln was a smart guy until I realized it was his idea to put Thanksgiving between Halloween and Christmas.  I mean, c’mon.  This poor holiday never stood a chance.  Abe, what were you thinking? 

This Week's Life Less Traveled: Me Do It!

For a two year-old, my daughter Kate has an amazing command of the Queen’s English.  Some of her favorite phrases include: 

1.      I want cheese (take my picture).

2.      I stinky (change my diaper).

3.      Dress (put some clothes on me, dummy).

As you can see, most of the words she uses are commands.  I think she’s convinced I’m her butler.  Her favorite phrase by far, though, the phrase that she repeats at least twenty times a day, is the ever-popular “Me do it.” 

The Motions

Life's too short to just go through the motions. What would it take today to make sure you have no regrets? This song inspires and convicts me every time I hear it.

How Reliable Is Your Water Supply?

I grew up so far in the country that we didn't actually have what we called "city water."  In other words weren't connected to a public utility system.  No pipes came to our house.  Instead we had a cistern, a big concrete tank buried in the back yard up to its lid. 

Once a week or so we had to order a load of water from a guy who would pull up in his truck with a metal tank on the back, run a hose to the cistern and fill us up.  The bummer would be when we would forget to order water or not realize we were low until it was too late.  Then we'd just be stuck with no water all.  No showers, no washing dishes, no flushing toilets.  Nothing. 

This Week's Life Less Traveled: Opinon Polls Remix

This week's column is a rewrite of the Opion Polls blog post from October.

When I was a senior in high school, I campaigned to be voted "Most Likely to Be President." It just seemed like the fair way to get it.  After all, we’re talking the presidency here.  So between classes I began to shake as many hands as I could and bombard my fellow students with my clever campaign slogan, "Jason Byerly, most likely to be president.  Vote for me."  Once the votes were counted, it was no contest.   I won my first and only election and have the yearbook to prove it. It was one of my finest moments.

Children Don’t Learn They Matter from the Bible. They Learn it From You.

Here's a great Donald Miller blog post about what a huge impact we have on the kids in our life. It's a fantastic reminder for anyone who lives or works with kids!

Children Don’t Learn They Matter from the Bible. They Learn it From You.

The Least Likelies

One morning I had breakfast with a dad in our church who was going through a divorce.  We didn't really know each other but had hooked up during a children's ministry event he had attended with his child.  After listening to his story, I felt like God had given me some things I needed to say, some hard things that would be difficult for him to hear.  If he took it to heart, it had the potential to change the entire trajectory of his life.

Life Less Traveled Extra: The Infamous Costume

What an awesome costume this was, but if you've read the column, you'll realize it's not as sturdy as it looks!

This Week's Life Less Traveled: The Ghost of Halloween Past

It was the best of Halloweens.  It was the worst of Halloweens.  It was the fall of 1980, and my mom made the mistake of putting my dad in charge of getting me ready to go trick or treating.  She had to work late that night.  She assumed getting an eight year-old in a Halloween costume was a no brainer.  What she didn’t know is that my dad vastly overestimated my intelligence. 

More Like Falling In Love

This song brings me to life! I'm so tired of relgion and duty. I want to be passionately, crazy, head-over-heels in love with my God.

Life Less Traveled Extra: Question of the Week

What was your #1 fear as a kid?  What is your #1 fear as an adult?  Comment on the blog and let's see what we're all so afraid of.

Life Less Traveled Extra: Fearless Living

If you want to dig in deeper to overcome some fears you're dealing with in life, check out Max Lucado's "Fearless." 

http://www.amazon.com/Fearless-Imagine-Your-Life-Without/dp/0849921392/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1287188803&sr=8-1

Life Less Traveled Extra: Awesome Fear-Busting Song

This week's column talks about dealing with our fears.  If you're facing down your personal "tree monsters" right now, this song by Matt Redman is a great reminder that you're never alone.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=76ifTTuL4XI

This Week's Life Less Traveled: Fear Itself

When Roosevelt said, “the only thing we have to fear is fear itself,” he clearly had never seen the movie “Attack of the Tree Monsters.”

I saw it when I was three.  I remember snuggling in bed between my mom and dad, watching the story unfold on our little 12” black and white TV.  We didn’t have Dora or Blues Clues in the seventies, so parents just let their preschoolers stay up late and watch old, scary movies instead. 

This one was the king of all scary movies.  The tree monsters were exactly what they sound like, guys in rubber tree suits running around eating people, probably lumberjacks.  I was totally freaked out.

My Own Little World

This is the theme song to "The Life Less Traveled."  This totally sums up the way God's been flipping me upside down (or is that rightside up?) in me the last six months.  This is the life I want!

Life Less Traveled Extra: Refuge for Women

Here is the link to the ministry I wrote about in the column this week, the Refuge for Women, in case you want to check it out.  Their stories of life-change and hope are absolutely incredible. 
 http://www.refugeforwomen.org/

Life Less Traveled Extra: You Have to Read This Book!

If you really want to dig into this idea of editing your life that I wrote about in the last column, you have to check out Donald Miller's "A Million Miles in a Thousand Years."   It's the best thing I've read all year.  Here's the link to check it out over at Amazon.com.

http://www.amazon.com/Million-Miles-Thousand-Years-Learned/dp/0785213066/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1287104794&sr=8-1

This Week's Life Less Traveled: Editing Life

How do you edit someone's life? I've spent hours asking myself that question all week. I've been given four stories, the amazing life stories of four women, and I have to edit them together to tell one big story. I have to decide which parts of their lives mattered most and what to leave out or condense.

They're all former exotic dancers who found hope, freedom and new life in Christ. Most of them were abused. All were children of divorce. All were addicted to drugs or alcohol. But now, all of them are free.

Unhandy Manny

Last fall I tried to tile my bathroom, not exactly an easy job for an amateur.   To be honest, I'd be lucky to tile a Scrabble board.   The project ended in total disaster, so I had to call in Miles who work with tiles (no kidding) to come and save the day.   If the opposite of a handy man is an unhandy man, that would be me, Unhandy Manny.  All of my hard work had been totally pointless.  I was completely exhausted with nothing to show for my effort except a bill and a sore back.

I've come to expect this when it comes to home improvement, but it's really frustrating when this happens in other areas of my life. 

The Sacrifice of Heroes

Am I the only guy who's had to part with man-clutter? Don't expect anything spiritual on this piece, just an honest account of how my crafty wife tricked me into getting rid of my comic book collection. Finally, the ugly truth is out!

Sacrifice of Heroes

The Life Less Traveled: Fifty-Cent Fortune

I walked into the church that day not feeling like helping anyone but myself.

I was exhausted from working all weekend and being up with my grieving daughter who had just lost her first pet. Not only was I beat, but my head throbbed with the pain of a sinus infection, and to top it all off, I had something wrong with my eye that made wearing my contacts unbearable. So, I had to plop on my old glasses that have been hopelessly mangled by my toddler and are held together with craft wire to keep the lenses from popping out.

Yeah, it was a Monday with a capital "M."

God, I prayed, I have nothing to give anyone today. Please let me have a quiet day. I just need a break.

God thought I needed a lesson instead.

The Life Less Traveled: More Than a Wish

Imagine if you found a genie's lamp and could have three wishes. What would they be? Fame? Fortune? Good health?

I asked this question to a group of middle school students at an urban arts camp I was leading this summer. I was teaching a drama workshop, and so far we had covered how to use the actor's body and voice to bring a character to life. On this day, we were talking about motivation — discovering what a character wants.

"Everybody wants something," I said. "What would you wish for?"

The Life Less Traveled: A Tale of Two Fishies

A month ago, my daughter's cat died, the cat she slept with every night, and, since we knew it would be a few weeks until we got her a new one, I ran out and bought her a fish. I wanted her to have a pet she could watch to help her fall asleep. I got a beta fish because they're supposed to be impossible to kill. Did I say impossible? Make that almost impossible.

The Life Less Traveled: Secrets of the Squirrel Whisperer

I am related by marriage to the "Squirrel Whisperer." She is my wife's great-aunt, and I have watched her tame rodents with her beguiling charm. Impossible, you say? I once thought so myself, until I saw it with my own eyes.

Aunt Dot, or Auntie as the family calls her, spends much of her summer in a cabin nestled in the foothills of the Smoky Mountains where the squirrels run thicker than mud.

"Auntie has a pet squirrel," my wife told me during one visit. She said this casually as if she were referring to a cat.

"What are you talking about?" I asked. Surely, I'd misunderstood. "Did you say a squirrel?"

"Yeah, it eats right from her hand."

This I had to see.

The Life Less Traveled: Humiliation Is Good For the Soul

A couple of years ago, I had some stomach pains that my doctor thought might be my gall bladder acting up, so he told me he wanted me to get an ultrasound.

"A what?" I asked.

"An ultrasound," he said.

"Like pregnant women get?"

"Exactly."

"But I'm a guy," I reminded him.

He handed me a piece of paper with a phone number and told me to go make the appointment. I did not want to obey doctor's orders, but my stomach was killing me, so what could I do?

The Life Less Traveled: Seemed Like a Good Idea At the Time

The last time I danced in Mexico I wound up in the hospital. I certainly didn't plan it that way. Let's just say I got caught up in the moment.

Over Christmas break during my senior year at Indiana University, several of us went to serve at a children's home in San Luis Potosi, Mexico. We painted, played with kids and did whatever we could to help out while we were there.

One night, the missionaries who hosted us threw a huge neighborhood birthday party for one of the kids in the home. Between the piñata and the loud music, it quickly escalated into a fiesta of enormous proportions.

And then people started to dance. It was a weird "Saturday Night Fever" kind of moment, where the crowd would part, leaving an open space in the middle of the dance floor for someone to show off their moves.

The Life Less Traveled: Be Careful What You Wish For

Have you ever found yourself wishing your life away without even realizing it? I did. I remember walking the halls one bitter December night almost five years ago with my newborn daughter, Emma. She was a rotten sleeper, and, consequently, so were Mom and Dad. I remember being so desperate to lay my head down that I prayed, "God, just get me through this season. I'm ready for this part to be over."

The second it came out of my mouth, a thought popped into my head: "It will be over before you know it." I realized that if I wasn't careful, I would wish away the most precious days of my life.

The Life Less Traveled: Freed By Forgiveness?

Imagine your phone ringing one afternoon, and to your utter surprise, it's a production assistant from a major, national talk show. He wants to fly you to L.A. and book you on the show. You're flabbergasted. Why in the world would they want you?

"What's the topic?" you ask.

He pauses for a moment, clears his throat and says, "Mean people." Not exactly the topic you'd want for your national television debut.

Sound crazy? Something close to this actually happened to a very nice friend of mine.

The Life Less Traveled: Open Mouth, Insert Heart

Several years ago, we had a big event at my church, and I had to wear a wireless microphone to address the crowd. You should have heard me that day. I was brilliant, eloquent and, as you can tell, dripping with humility.

That was all about to change.

Soon after I stepped off the stage, I had a run-in with a leader who was driving me crazy. I don't even remember what it was about, but I do remember boiling with frustration.

The second he left the room, I turned to a friend who had witnessed the whole thing, and I zinged my nemesis with a perfectly worded put-down behind his back. I have to admit it felt good. It was funny. It was clever. It was cathartic. But it was about to come back and bite me.

I glanced down at my side and saw that the switch on my wireless mic was still on. Every word of my mean-spirited comment had been broadcast to the entire church.

The Life Less Traveled: Time To Dance

Recently, I participated in one of the great rites of daddyhood, watching my daughter's first dance recital. Totally uninhibited, she and the other "budding ballerinas" frolicked, jumped and twirled to the Little Mermaid's "Under the Sea." After months of rehearsal, they did what any preschooler would do — whatever they wanted. At times the choreography went right out the window as they simply played to the music.

Sure, they didn't hit every step they were supposed to, but, of course, none of us cared. We were swept up in the joy that gushed from the stage.

They had the entire auditorium eating out of their hands and no one more so than me. When Emma came off stage, I gave her a dozen red roses and told her how beautifully she'd danced.

But imagine if my reaction had been different.

A Fine Mess

Last week my 23 month old daughter Kate came to me and said, "Wa-wa. Mess." I didn't think anything of it because she's always playing in the bathroom sink splashing water all over the counter and herself. Little did I know that she'd taken things to a whole new level.

About an hour later I went to use my laptop, yes, that's right, my laptop, the precious laptop that Daddy does all of his writing on. An ominous pool of water seeped out from underneath. An empty glass lay on its side nearby. Though I'm no detective, I started to suspect I wouldn't like where this trail of clues was leading.

Intersections

I was sitting at a red light with my family today when I noticed the driver in the lane to my left looked like a friend of mine. I couldn't be sure so I didn't want to stare and make a fool of myself, but it got me wondering if I knew anyone else at the red light.

I glanced in the review at the couple behind me. I didn't know them, but they were hilarious. The girl in the passenger seat was rocking out to some seriously groovy music. Either that or she was having a seizure. The guy driving her sat as still as stone, clearly unfazed by her antics. Across the intersection I could several other vehicles all with their own little stories playing out behind their windshields. I thought about how much fun I miss sitting at intersections because I don't take the time to notice all that's going on around me.

Opinion Polls

When I was a senior in high school I actually campaigned to get voted "Most Likely to Be President." It just seemed appropriate to shake hands and harass people with my clever campaign slogan, "Jason Byerly, Most Likely to Be President, Vote for Me." It actually worked and I have the yearbook to prove it.

This election season politicians everywhere are spending a lot of money and going to a lot of effort to make us like them. After all, public opinion is the gold standard of politics. Politicians live or die by what happens to them in the polls.

It's funny. Other than my successful bid in high school I've never run for office, and yet I've spent most of my life living or dying by what other people think of me. It's fair to say that public opinion is often the gold standard of my life.

The Life Less Traveled: Thin Places

The Celtic people have an old tradition about what they call the “thin places”. No, I’m not talking about a fitness club or a fad diet. Thin places are holy locations where the wall between the world of the everyday and the supernatural is thin. According to this belief, it is in these thin places that people are more likely to encounter God. I don’t know if thin places really exist, but I do know that when I am alone in nature, the reality of angels and heaven and a God who intervenes in my life seems much more immediate than when I’m surrounded by concrete and plastic and fluorescent lights.

My friend Will has taken the idea of thin places to a totally different level. He also believes that there are actually thin people (no, I’m not talking about the Biggest Loser here), people whose very presence makes it easier to encounter God when you’re around them. Now this, I believe.

The Life Less Traveled: iContent

My life was going really well earlier this year until Apple announced the release of their newest technological wonder, the iPad. When I heard about all the incredible things this device could do, I realized I wasn’t truly happy. I was just kidding myself. How in the world could I possibly be content until I had one these for myself?

The Life Less Traveled: Country Boy In the 'Hood

You would think a drive-by shooting would put a damper on a cookout, but I wouldn't have missed it for the world.

Last Tuesday night, I hung out with some friends of mine in what some people would call a rough part of town. To be honest, it wasn't my idea. I live in the suburbs and am fairly content to stay there, but my buddy, Dal, thought maybe we should get off our tails and go see if we could help some folks.

Our church started a free medical clinic in the inner city, and last year a group of college students had the idea to adopt the street where the clinic sits. So, they just started walking the neighborhood, introducing themselves and asking if anybody needed anything. Since then, they've brought people food, furniture, clothes and prayer, lots of prayer. That night, we decided to help.

The Life Less Traveled: Too Early For Santa?

It's not even Halloween and the ladies in my office have already started their "Secret Santa" club. Basically, they make a list of things they like, draw names out of a hat and spend the next three months surprising each other with anonymous gifts. At random times, I'll hear someone scream "Secret Santa!" at the top of their lungs and know that she must have scored a present. Immediately, all the women gather to watch her open it.

Fortunately for me, they figured since I was the only guy in the office, I didn't want to go anywhere near such a girly venture, which was absolutely true. Imagine explaining that one to my wife. Yeah, Honey, it's this really cool thing where I buy another woman dozens of gifts to make her feel special. Isn't it great?